'Big Brother' Season Premiere Recap: 10 Lessons Learned
School’s out for the summer! Instead, what’s in is a season full of ridiculous wardrobe, nonsensical lies, and bewilderment at the number of VIP waitresses that exist in this world. (Surely, Tiger Woods doesn’t have enough hours in the day, right? Hey, when did it become 2009?) That’s right: It’s Big Brother time — that time of year when we trade in social hours cocktailing on the beach for disarmingly sheltered existences in which we destroy our livers while bemoaning the burgeoning stupidity of our country… while fully acknowledging that we love watching the burgeoning stupidity of our country on our TV screens. If the country’s obsession with Big Brother doesn’t prove we’re slowly becoming the real-life version of Idiocracy, then I don’t know simple math. (Wait, where was I going with that?)
But guess what, America? Season 14 of Big Brother is all about education! So pick up your spelling books by the Department of Technotronics, and get ready to learn. Because this season’s twist surrounds the return of four former houseguests who have come on to coach the 12 newbies. (Coaching isn’t coaching without any spinning chairs, though. Thanks for ruining everything — like an existence without “Moves Like Jagger” — The Voice.) So who are “four of the greatest Big Brother players” who have come on board to help one houseguest win, and score $100,000 in the process? We have: Season 10 winner Dan Gheesling, a personal favorite who has the distinction of beating a mixologist and the most unlikeable old man to grace TV since Charles Widmore; Season 2 player and All-Stars winner Mike “Boogie” Malin, one-half of “Chilltown” known for his social game and appearance in Enrique Iglesias’ “Do You Know (The Ping Pong Song” music video); Season 6 and All-Stars player Janelle Pierzina, whose drive to win is as big as her… hair; and Season 12 Britney Haynes, who… hmm… was on Big Brother, she sure was! Is it me, or is one of these things not like the other?
During a time in which reality TV series have all been stuck in a rut — opting to boast high star-wattage without delivering quality programming that people want to, you know, actually watch (ahem, Idol and X Factor — it’s admittedly nice to see Big Brother continuing to put in effort. And the twist this season should prove to be an interesting one: With each of the returning houseguests mentoring three players, it’s only time before teacher and student don’t see eye to eye when it comes to gameplay. Wax on, vote off.
But since this was an educational evening, full of twists and admirable pantsuits (Chenbot’s inner clock took her back to 1976), let’s run down some of the lessons we learned during the premiere, shall we?
