Big Brother' Recap: Fruit Loops

Cheerio, Kara! As much as it is true that you were a human being who existed on Earth, Hugh Hefner and well-read virgins ‘round the planet said Boo-Berry after being forced to say goodbye to your oversized Grape Nuts during Thursday night’s first official live eviction. You might have been the Total package looks-wise during your brief stay in the Big Brother house, but your Honey Bunches of Oats were simply not enough to allow you to maintain a Life with a California Raisin like Ashley and others.

Because, unfortunately for the shy houseguest — shy, of course, unless you consult  — week one’s Head of Household always gets his Fruit Loops. But, really, the folks who have truly come out on top following the first live eviction are Big Brother’s fans. Not only because the house evicted the human equivalent of a manila envelope with breasts, but because week one has proven that the house is full of Banana Nut Brans, despite the show’s questionable “coach” twist.

Surely, I couldn’t be the only fan skeptical of this season’s theme following two lackluster episodes. After having seen Britney, Boogie, Dan, and Janelle play the game at least once each, their gameplay — and the newbies’ complete passivity — began to be as boring as a bowl of Granola. But Thursday night saw the first indication of newbie rebellion — and complete, utter, kick-yourself-in-the-head insanity.

I speak, of course, of Mr. Fruit Loops himself, Willie Hantz, not only publicly feuding with the popular Frank, but also spewing homophobia and rebelling against the coaches. And while Willie’s imitating of Wig is indefensible (really, Willie? You have two eyes that see Wig’s hair and you choose to mock his voice?), his gut was in the right place when he chose to call the house meeting. Just not his brain.

Despite the fact that Willie was as itching to get Kara out of the house as he was itching to itch his neck, the lesser Hantz decided to rally the newbies, warning them that the coaches could find their way into the game. “We can change this game,” he told them, while Joe dreamed of what he’d look like with Guy Fieri’s frosted tips, Wig wondered if he should break out his old golfer hat, and Kara amorphous blobbed the s**t out of the room. In other words, no one cared. That is, until Willie mocked Wig, leading to Season 14’s first big brawl.

So how did it all go down? Frank, recognizing that perhaps the person who put him up for eviction after promising to keep him in the game is not the most trustworthy player (apparently, the dude can cross “quick learner” off his skill set on his already thin resume), shared Willie’s homophobic mockery with the house.